Just a little poem thingy

Just a little poem thingy

 

 

I have told you a thousand times I love you. But you never believed me.
I asked you how I could prove my love for you.
But you didn't know.
I tried everything to prove it.
But you got tired of me.
You left me because you thought i didn't mean it..
But now I got the prove on my body.
I will always have it there.
The scars will heal but never go away.
I love you...
Do you believe me now?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(I just felt like posting this because I think it was kinda cute)

 

Regrets....

This Saturday it should have been 1 year and 2 moths with my boyfriend.... notice "should have". I was looking forward to that day. I'm not sure why.. but I guess it was because it meant something for me. You know, a long relationship...it means something...

The longest relationship I've ever had lasted for one and a half year. That's a really long time you know... but sadly it ended because my mom forced me to end it. But thats another long story... which I prefer not going trough again... cause hurts to much..

So, yeah, this Saturday, 1 year and 2 moths... (this is hard cause my head is a real mess now).
This time, I also though my relationship should last.. because my mom haven't forced me to let go this time.
I though that this time, it would break my last relationship record (one and a half year). Because I had no plan to let him go. I loved him... I really did and I still do...
But this time it fucked up again... he left me... I had never thought that would happen. Not at all !

We where going to stay together no matter what. We both said that... so yeah... I meant it...
This is really hard for me to write.. cause its such a mess in my head now. I can't think straight... no matter what. I'm dangerous for others around me. But I'm dangerous for my self... I really am.

Fucking regrets... even though it's not anything I can regret.. cause I wasn't the one who left... I was the heart broken one.... really heart broken too.... I think I've never felt pain like this. Never felt so alone... not in any way...

Normally I use to get fine through a breakup... I really do. But not this time...
I already miss having he close. I miss sitting next to him, watching a movie and slowly falling asleep.
I miss all his stupid ideas, his stupid way to solve problems. I miss the way he laugh when I did something stupid.
I miss the way he used to hold around me when I was scared.
I miss how he used to call me every night saying "good night" and  "I love you" . I miss the sounds of his voice in the morning. I miss falling asleep on his arm.
I miss telling him everything. I miss how he always made me laugh when I really didn't want too. I miss how he always understood me. I miss how he used to keep me warm when we where outside.
I miss to have him here.... here with me :'(

I miss it all. I miss it more than I've ever missed anything else in the world.

But here I am... alone and heart broken... regret letting him go.
It's really true what people say, you really don't know what you have until it's gone..

I understand that now,., and I wonder, how the hell could I be so stupid and let all this happen??
I'm just so fucking stupid :'(

Wandering around in the labyrint

It's like a labyrinth.  I can't seem to find the right way, even though it feels like I've tried every way I can find.
I think some help would be fantastic. A little whisper in the dark,  who told me which way it is.
A hand who holds me, no matter what, and leads me through the hard and confusing times.

I know it's probably not the easiest thing to stay up and be my guardian angel. I know it can be hard to make me understand what choices it's the best for me. But still... I still need an guardian Angel who whisper where I'm supposed to go. Strong hands to keep me staying up, and leads me towards peace.

I'm tired of wandering around in this labyrint. Meeting walls after walls. Blind gates after blind gates. And so goes on... I'm so tired of it. And I'm still searching for my guardian Angel who can lead me.

I know it's much to ask about. I know im hard to handle.  I know I can make some stupid choices. But if I at least have the guardian Angel who will lead me, I'm on a good way.

I'm maybe 18 years on the paper. But in my head,  I'm still a little kid who needs help and protection.

Even the best can hide the biggest scars

Even the best can hide the biggest fears and the biggest scars behind their smile. Even the best can be gone in the ocean of tears, or get lost in the biggest forest of lies. Even the best can have bad days.

It don't matter if you look at yourself as the best or the worst. We are all stuck in he same world, with the same rules and the same gameboard. The difference is our games. We play different games.

You can't always tell if someone is playing the hard or the easy game. Many are good at hiding things. Hiding their own gamecards from the world outside... And themself. I'm one of them. You can't tell wether i'm playing the good or the bad game. Even my closest friends can't tell, even though they think they know.

My game is a big jungle of ups and downs. I can't always choose which way I wanna take. Somethimes the game just gives me a way, and I have to deal with i.
How i deal with it, is one of my secrets. One of my hidden sides.

Because just like the best, I can also hide the biggest scars.

I knew it was just a dream..

Everything was perfect. Nothing in the world could ruin my world with him. Nothing could go wrong, because it all was perfect <3 

It was the first time ever I've had a wonderful time like that for so long. I was happy every second of the day. It was amazing <3 it felt like the perfect life when all I had to think of was me and him and our happy relationship <3 

I'm not used to living a dream like that. Having days when I only was with him, and never had to think about going back to my family. That's how I want things to be. I just wanna be with him and my friends and have fun like that.

But with my "luck" , of corse it had to end. Of course something had to happen that ruined everything. I had to go home.. And suddenly my family didn't like him anymore.. They meant he was bad for me, that I changed to be some total idiot because of him.

Everything bad about me. Every single little attitude problem I had was his fault ... Or at least, that was what my family said..

But I know better! I know I have some problems, and that my attitude aren't always the best.. But It's not his fault! I promise! I've always had those problems, but as I've grown older, I'm not afraid to show it, and I'm not afraid to tell exactly what I mean. And now they think that's his fault, because listen to me, that's not something they can do...

And i hate the way everything is now.. I feel alone all the time. I feel I need to hide every emotion I have , because I'm home... And I'm always afraid that I will do something they don't like so they will get angry...

So all I do now.. Is sit around and wait... 

And damn I hate it.. I just wanna be with him.. But it's just getting harder and harder.. But I will never give up the hope for a perfect life with him, no matter what ! Because I love him more than everything else in my life <3 

My own little world, where only one person can find me

Sometimes, I could just fly away into my own little world where everything can happen, and of course, everything is perfect. It's like my own little unbreakable bubble, no one can break it, because no one can see it. Because iv'e hidden it innside my head. Deep innside my head, and my soul. Deep innside where no one else than me can reach. And when i'm gone in that cute perfect world, no one can reach me either. Because no one can find my world.

Well, to say that no one can reach me when i'm in my own world, that's not true. There is one person who can reach me there. One person that can see my world, see how deep innside me it's hidden. One person.
And that one and only, is my boyfriend. And why can he see a place that's hidden so deep innside me? Well, it's because every time i escape to that place, he escape with me. Maybe he don't know it. But i know that every time i need to run away from everything and just feel safe, he is in my world. In my heart, and keeping me safe.

No matter how deep shit i'm sitting in, and how hopeless and stupid everything feels, i know i can just run away into my own world. Wonderful, right? Just to have that little place no one can fuck up things for me, it's amazing. And of course, the little thing who makes it all complete, makes it totally perfect, my beautiful boyfriend <3

I like how i can make it feel like he is close to me, even though where far away from each other. Because in my heart and soul, where always together, as close as we can get.
I love my boyfriend so much. He is everything for me <3 As long as i got him, my life is complete <3 My dreams are complete the secound he shows up in them. And my soul is complete, as soon as he takes the place as my better half.

He completes everything for me <3 And that's what i would call a perfect relationship with the perfect boy <3 Nothing can ever come between us. Nothing in the world could take away the feelings we have for each other <3 That's what i would call true love <3

I love you my perfect boyfriend <3 You and me, now and forever, no matter what <3

The times life fucks us

You know the times life fucks you?
Well, they will keep on coming.
You can't stop it.
You can't ignore it.,
All you can do, is fuck it back..
Just remember, someone will always hate you for doing just that.
Fuck life when life fucks you.

Makeup

Makeup is the best way to cover your sorrow. Others can’t see the pain you feel, and the tears you’re crying every day. Everything is totally gone.
Hiding under makeup, where only you will find it when you wipe away the makeup before you go to bed at night.

It’s hard to live up to the painted face. The face you see is like a mask. It’s not who I am, it’s who I wish I was. The one I am, I’m trying to hide. The same way I try to hide my scars.. The scars I make to take away my pain. The sorrow..

I bet that some of you who read this know about the butterflies.. You know, the small drawings of butterflies you make on your arm? And then you need to keep it alive?
Yeah, that’s the one I’m talking about. My butterfly has died many times.. It’s just so hard keeping it alive…

Trying to live up to be a person your not is also hard. But I just need to do it. I can’t look like one happy person and act like a totally broken person. Even though the last one is me..
That’s not the one I want to be, I really hate being that person.. But I can’t do anything about it.  I just need to fake that I’m a happy person with pain and sorrow in my life.

That’s why I love makeup. It lets me be who I want to be, without asking questions about why I hide myself.

One of the best things with makeup, it that it’s keeping me away from crying. Because it get destroyed when I cry. And I can’t let that happen.. 

You can see the scars

Behind the cute eyes, tears are hiding.
Innside the happy heart, sorrows are hiding.
In the smiling mouth, words of pain is hiding.
It's all hiding. So no one will find it.
So it can be there, alone and hurt her.
She hide the pain good, very good.
She is used to it. Hide it so no one will see.

If you look very good, you can see the scars.
Scars who remind her of what she as been tru.
Scars who is there to always remind her of the pain.
It's not easy to see them, but it's possible, if you try.

This girl has learned that life is evil.
People are evil, people wants to hurt her.
Why do they want to hurt her?
No one knows, they just do.
And there is nothing she can do about it.

But no matter how much pain she is hiding, no matter how evil life has been to her.
She will still smile to the person she loves.
Yes, there is one she loves, the one who save her from darkness.
The one she can call "hers" no matter what.
And that's the one she need right now.
The one her eyes look for.
The one her hearts scream for.
And the one she can tell she loves.

What did happen ? :'(

I was living a dream. Living in the perfect world. A place i loved to be.With the one i loved to be with. Everything was perfect. It felt like nothing in the world could distroy it, no matter what. But there i was wrong i'll guess ...

I have no idea what happen, but suddenly my boyfriend became someone else. A person i did'nt know, a person i did'nt like.
I have really now idea what i've done to deserve that kind of punishment...
And yes, i'll call it a punishment, because it hurt so much.. I just want to escape everything and cry. All i wanna do is crying cuz it hurt so much. I feel that i've lost the love of my life. The only one who really made me feel loved and pretty. The perfect boyfriend.. I had him and i loved him so much, more than my own life <3 And now i feel he is gone ..

All i can do, is sit down, cry and wait for him to show up, and show me that he still loves me and want to keep me. It hurt so much thinking like this. And it's so hard keeping thoose thought in my head. And just waiting.. Waiting for him to choose...

Now i think i'm going to escape the real world and just cry .. I don't ... Well .. It's so hard to describe.. Because it hurt so much .. And all i can do, is sit down and wait for my boyfriend to show up here.. If he still want to be my boyfriend though ... :'(

i'm a girl, your a boy, keep it that way!

«A real woman never lets her man leave the house hungry or horny»

I don’t get it. Does that mean, if you want to be a good girlfriend, wife or whatever you got to stay ready in the kitchen wearing only underwear? Like, if your boyfriend or man is hungry, you’re ready to make him some food? Or if he is horny, you’re supposed to just rip of your clothes and let him fuck you?

Well for the boys, that got to be their dream girl. Stands ready to please them no matter what..
But what about the girls? Do anyone mind that girls have emotions?
That one day, they’re maybe not in mood to stand ready like that. Maybe they want to sit by themselves, thinking all day? Or that they just want a hug? Someone to talk to?

Even though were girls, don’t mean where toys or whatever boys look at us as. Girls also have their special needs, and when men don’t think about that, and maybe get angry if their girl don’t want to fuck that moment, or is too tired to stand up and make food. Do you think girls feel appreciated and loved then?

I’ve also heard lots of my friends saying “Hey you, you’re a girl, get back to the kitchen”. Well of course I understand they’re joking with me sometimes. But when they say it all the time, it feels like they think that’s my place. That’s where I belong. But that’s not true! Girls and boys got an equal connection to the kitchen. Both can make food, both can do dishes. So why does someone think girls are the one who should be like living there?

Or the standard “girls are the weak ones” “blah blah blah.. boys do it better than girls” “this is a boy job not a girl job”… Ya know, girls can be just as good as things as boys. No matter what it is. And the moment, when the girl proves it, the boys get mad at them! Just because it was a “boy thing”…

No matter what boys think/say, I don’t want to be the kind a girl who just got to stay ready and serve my boyfriend whenever he needs it. I want to be a girl, who can be just as strong and smart as a boy. Do the things boys do. But still be feminine. Still be a girl, a cute pretty girl.
Just too bad so many thinks that’s impossible.. I really want to be a tomboy. But when I say that boys just look strange at me “you’re a girl.. Your place is in the kitchen, you can’t do boy stuff”…

And that’s the kind of stuff that make me don’t wanna be the standard nice and pretty sexy girl, always ready to serve boys. I want to be the one who shows boys, I can do whatever they can do.

Please don't leave, you got my other half

The night seem so long, when I don't want to sleep. When sleep don't seem right. Just because i got so many thoughts innside my head that don't seem to shut down..

I'm scared. I don't want to loose you because you don't like that i'm addicted to being with you. I'm so sorry i am like that. But there just ain't anything i can do about it. It feel safe having you around me. It make me feel worth something when you smile to me and say you love me.

It's a special feeling when you tell me i'm pretty, even without my make up and my hair totally messed up. It's like .. Well i don't got any words for it. But it makes me feel loved and pretty. Even though i hate the way i look without make up, it helps me accept the way I look.

But still i'm afraid that you'll get tired of me. I know it's not easy for you, always having time to be with me. Cuz you have lots of friends. Friends you use to be with and like being with. Even though your friends don't want me to be there when your with them. I don't know why they don't want me there.. I have no idea if there is something i've said or something i've done. I just know that i'm not feeling welcome when your with friends.

I'm happy for you. Happy that you got friends to be with. It got to be nice to know you always have them there. (Even though you know it's hard for me to accept it sometimes because of some small things..)

Yeah, it got to be nice having friends the way you got. I wish i know how it feels like.
I don't have that many to be with when your not here. I don't know what to do when your sitting somewhere else, having fun with friends and i'm sitting home alone, knowing that i'm not welcome where u are.

When your gone, no one in the world can fill the empty space after you. That's just not possible, no matter what. Because when you leave, you take one half of me with you. Your taking my soul and my heart. I know you'll keep it safe, of course, because you've told me you love me. But still. I'm missing something when your not here. And that something is you. Nothing or no one can fill that space, no matter what. I'll promise.

I could probably wrote so much about this right now. But i'm just not in the mood for crying. Not at all. So i'll just stop here and hope i can explain it to you later..

When words just screw up

It's so hard to find out how i can tell you it all. I can't decide what to start with or what to end it all with.
I have no idea which words to use. How to put the right words together feels like an endless puzzle...
I just want to get it all out. Want you to know it all. So maybe you'll understand me. More than you do now. I just want that to happen now. I just don't know how i can make it happen. When all my words just screw up.. So nothing make sence anymore. So nothing is possible to understand.

There is so much... And i just keep wishing, one day you'll learn how to read my eyes and see my fake smile.

Don't understand how u do it c:

How is it you do it?
How is it possible?
I don't understand, how you got the power to turn me on with only one simple kiss.
One little special kiss, that's all you need to turn me on.
But that's okay, because i love you so much <3

This time i do it the easy way

There is so much i have though about the last time. So many things i want to tell my boyfriend. So many things i want to find out of. But instead of writing a long "story" about it all, i'll just do it the easy way. I've found a song that describe it perfect. So i just hope you'll listen to the whole song, even though you might heard it before. Listen to it and please read the text, please.

Hope you understand it. And of course i love you more that anyone or anything else in the world <3

If my body was mechanical .. ?

If my face was a screen with HD and all that shit.
If my body was filled with buttons.
Buttons with letters and numbers, you know.. The buttons you find on keyboards.
If i had a power on and off button.
If i had USB portals and jack plug-in on me.
You know all the things a computer got.
If I was just like a computer.
Always sitting on your desk, waiting for you to come home and turn me on.
Waiting for you to use me.. Download shit on me. Push my buttons while you write..
Never said a word, unless you turned up my volume, then you could listen to music.
If it was possible to turn me off when you got tired and wanted to sleep.
You know, just like the computer.
If you could use me to chat with your friends, be on facebook, using youtube.
And of course, If you could use me for gaming.
You know,.. If you could just sit there, using me to game and i would'nt say a word.
I would do anything about it.
Just like the computer. The computer you love so much.
The computer you use every day..
The computer.. Yeah ...

If i was just like your computer. Would you be equally caring about me like with the computer?
Would you spend just as much time with me like you do with the computer, if i worked as one?
I just wounder. If I was a computer, would you treat me the same loving way you treat the computer?

Sometimes i want to say strange stuff, but in the end, i really love you

Sometimes i just think of how much i love my boyfriend. How much me mean to me. How much i want to be with him the rest of my life. Yeah, I want to be with him the rest of my life. <3 Because he is something special. He is a person i never could get tired of. A person i want to love forever, and i want him to feel the same about me.

Sometimes, when i just sit still, and look into his eyes, the random question pops up in my head... The random question i want to say, but i don't feel it's right to say it. "Would you marry me?". That's the question. Well.. Someone will maybe wonder why i would ask for that, because we have only bin together for .. soon three months. So in fact, it's not a long time.

I want to ask him that question, because i want him to be mine the rest of my life <3 I really love him and i don't want to loose him <3 No matter what others say, i love that boy and i'll always do that. I guess that's why i want to say it.

But do i mean it? It's like, we both have said we never want to get married. And in fact, that's true. I don't want to marry someone. 1. It cost so damn much. 2. The most people who marry each other end up with divorce.. And that's not what i want. Because i wanted to have my perfect boyfriend the rest of my life <3

So.. In the end,, Maybe it's just the best to shut up and just keep saying that i love him? Show him that he is the perfect boyfriend for me. Cuz that's what he is, perfect <3
Well, i love my boyfriend more than my own life.. I'll always think of him before myself. I always want to be sure he is okay, before i check if i'm okay.
I think that's what real love is about. Taking care of the one you love before yourself. Show the person that you love him or her every day, like it was our last day together. That's how i feel. If i lose my boyfriend now, i lose everything. Because now i realize, there is no life without him by my side <3

No one is perfect.

When i was a kid, my friends asked me what the perfect boyfriend for me was. Because everyone had to know what kind of boy they wanted. And what's perfect for them. But the only thing I answered on that question was " there is nothing such as the perfect boyfriend. Because no one can be perfect". And I've meant that all the time. No one is perfect. It's just not possible to find a perfect person. No matter what.

It's some years since my friends asked like that. Not many, but some.

And now.. I just can't say the same longer. I can't say that no one is perfect. Because I've found the most perfect boy in the world. My boyfriend. He is perfect <3

I can't find a single thing with him I dislike. And I know now, that he is what my perfect boyfriend would be like. Just like him.

I love everything about him.

The way he smile to me all the time, the way he look at me. The way he act, his personality and.. just everything <3

He is my perfect boyfriend and I will do everything to keep him forever , no matter what <33

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Why can't it just stop..

Some days are just hard to deal with. Nothing's feel right. And I just want to be gone..gone.. gone forever. Gone to a place where I can be alone forever. My own little world where nothing's hard to deal with. Like its now.

I just feel depressed at the moment. But my biggest problem is that my mood goes up and Down all the time. I can't decide if I want to be happy or not. I got no control over my own feelings and what I think.

Of course its hard to live like that.. live in a way you can't control.

But when my life feel like its not worth living anymore, when I I feel depressed and want to give up it all. I know I got a boyfriend that care about me. A boyfriend who always want the best for me and always try to make me smile. And that's what keeps me up. That's what make me thinking things will get better.

And that helps me so much. I have no idea what I would have done without him. I can't think of a life without him, cause I don't want it to exist. I love him with all of my heart and he is just perfect for me <3 hope he will always be mine, no matter what <33

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When you are gone..

I think of you all the time. I wonder what you do. I miss you and wonder if you miss me to. And of course I'm looking forward to the day you come back. The day you move in with me.

I love you more than anything else in the world. And I can't wait for you to move in with me.

And you are the prettiest boy I've ever seen <3

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When you do that, i do that...

When you are busy looking on your computer
I’m looking at you, wishing you was here.
When you laugh at what you see on the tv
I’m trying to keep my tears back
When you look at me and smile
I look back and try to tell you I’m hurt
When you lie on the couch
I’m sitting here alone..
Crying..
Wishing you would understand me..

Don't u see?

Sometimes, it's the way i feel i want you to understand.
The way i feel i want you to see.
Can you see when i'm down?
I know you can see when i'm happy.
But what about the times i cry innside me?
Do u see them?
It doesn't seem like that...
Beacuse then, you would come over here to me..
Not stay in front of the tv.. With your computer..
But i'll guess you don't see it.
It's not just innside me i cry.
It came some tears too, but you didn't see them
You were to busy with the computer and laughing at the tv
Do you understand how it feels for me?
Of course it can be hard to see it.
You really need to know me of you want to see it
But still...
I'm not the person who tells you everything
When i'm hurt you need to drag out of me what it is
But you haven't understand that yet..
Even though i've tried to tell you that
Maybe you didn't understand it?
Maybe it's just to hard to read me?
No.. It can't be that.
Because my best friends can do it...
But you can't..
So.. Here I am.. Alone and hurt...
Wondering who i should talk with about it..
Guess it's no one ... As long as you don't see me cry..

I'm amazed

Your so special for me. You know how to make me smile and you say the cutest stuff to me. Your nothing like the other boys i've bin dating, not at all. There is something with you. Something about the person you are when we are together. You make me so happy. You make me smile and laugh, even though it's stupid stuff you say.
When you say that you love me, my heart stops for a secound. It makes me so happy, and it makes me feel that i'm worth something.
When i see you smile, I smile too. Not because i have to, but I smile when you do it because it makes me happy and you look so pretty when you smile.
Well, now i think you look pretty no matter what..
When we sit close to each other and look into the other ones eyes. I'm amazed. I can probaly sit for hours and look into your pretty eyes.

But, no matter where we are, what we do.. I love you. <3 Your the best boyfriend ever and i would never let you go. <3

Suddenly i feel so lonely

Suddenly i felt very depressed.. I'm sitting alone in my room. My big room where there is so much i can do... But i'm just sitting in a corner of my bed. Looking on my phone the whole time.. No one call me, no one text me. I've tried to text my boyfriend, because i know he love me and will always make me smile. But this time.. He don't answer.. I'm not sure why..
I got my computer here (of course i have that when i can be blogging) Looking on msn, looking on skype.. No one i can talk with.. Crap.. I feel so alone, and no one see it.. Because i am alone.. It's not just someting i feel, it's a fact.. It's no one here, and no one who answer when i text them.. Nice right?

I hate it when i feel this alone and got no one i can talk to.. For me, this feels like hell. I'm just too social to be this alone. And when i first gets this alone, i have no idea what to do.. There is nothing i want to do..
Yeah, know it sounds pretty strange... But it's a fact.. It's nothing i want to do, even though there is a lot of stuff i could do. It's just that nothing sounds fun when i'm alone.

I'm not sure what more to write.. I just felt that i had to get this out.. And i still feel i want to write more, the only problem is, that i really don't want what more to write.. So i'll guess this is the end of this lonely blogpost..

So "fun" -.-

Okay .. Just sitting in my boyfriends room... With my boyfriend.. But he is gaming minecraft.. And i feel kinda ignored.. So i'll just sit here with my computer.. Doing nothing. I don't wanna be on my computer at all cause i'm tired. But of course my boyfriend is sitting in the bed gaming minecraft so I can't go to bed either... Wohoo .. Really fun ..
Don't think my boyfriend realize that I'm tired and don't wanna be awake. He is just talking about that stupid game while i'm loner in the corner.. Lol.. Loner in the corner.. Sounds fun x3

I don't want to blog.. At all .. But this was the only thing i could figure out to do now..
So .. My ex logged on skype just so i could have someone i could talk to.. That's just soo nice of him. And it made me smile.

But .. yeah got nothing more to say..

Just want you to understand..

some stuff are hard to tell you
i wish you would see it by yourself.. But i don't thinkyou do.
You fucked up it all.. you need to clean up the mess.
i can't fix my broken heart all by myself.. I need you to do it, and show me that i can trust you and you can be mine. because deep innside me, i still love you. I love you more than anything else in the world, because you are my world. and i really don't want my world to fall apart..

So please fix what you've distroyed. I need you to do it. Because i can't live without you <3

Suddenly i really don't know what to do..

Yes, i still like you. You are soo much more than a normal friend for me, no matter what. I still love it when you hold around me and i love being with you.
But ...
I see there is really something missing.. I don't know what it is.. I don't know if you see it.. But i defintly see it. To be honest I don't think u see it. And that makes it even harder for me to find out what i want. I love you.. But.. There is someone else i like to. And now, i really don't know what to do. I don't wanna loose you.. But do i wanna keep you?

I feel so alone.. Why

`

I know i'm not alone.

I know my boyfriend love me.

I know i got supporting friends.

I know there is people who love me.

But still...

I feel alone.
I feel my boyfriend start to get tired of me.

I feel my friends don't support me.
I feel there isn't people who love me.

How is it possible?

What can i do with it?

I want to block myself out from everyone and everything.
Mabye that's the best ... ?

It's some words about how i feel

Every time I’m with you, you make me feel so good. I don’t know how you do it. But I know I love it. When I’m with you I feel so safe. I feel I don’t need anything or anyone else in the world. You’re all I want, you’re all I need. You make me feel happy and make me want to laugh, no matter what.

You always listen when I got something I need to say. You always support me when I need it. When I’m down, you always got a shoulder I can cry on. You tell me cute things about me. Things I’ve never before realized. Things I didn’t know people would see.

And what’s the point with this?
Well… I just wanted you to understand how much I appreciate what you do to me. And how much I love you. I know I can always count on you if it is something, and I know I never tell you, but I will do just the same for you, that you do to me. That’s what I call real love. And I hope you feel the same.

Take a hint, I want cute words back ..

I love gettin cute text from my boyfriend on my phone. Just so bad he almost never send thoose anymore :'( I try taking the iniative and send him some cute text, but he never send it back. He used to do it, all the time and I love it. Thoose cute little text I used to get everyday made me so happy. It made me feel good. I felt someone wanted me to be happy and wanted me to feel good. I loved that he did it.
Now when he never does it anymore, i really feel something is missing. I try to give him hints so he maybe will understand that I want it. I update my status on facebook with small cute things to him and tagg his name in it. I write on his wall on facebook. Just write little sentences that maybe make him smile when he read it. Actually, he have never writed something cute in the same way as I do on facebook.. He only did it on text. And sometimes face to face, but that’s not the same.

Of course I love that he say cute stuff to me when I’m with him. I love that just as much as I love it when someone send it to me on a text. But there is something different with it. When I’m alone and miss him, one of the best things I can get a text from him where he say some cute words to me. Damn I wish he would start doing it.

The best thing would be if he did it without me saying I wanted it, but it doesn’t seem like he would do that. I don’t think he understand that’s what I want.
So my question then is, how can I get him do it without saying “hey you, I want you to text me cute words and stuff like that sometimes”. I just feel that would be so wrong of me…

Why can’t he just take a hint when I try to give him one?

Sometimes, his the only one i want close ...

Sometimes, it's just the best to be alone. Block everyone out and just sit by myself. Right now that's how I feel. I just want to sit alone and block everyone out. Exept one person. My boyfriend. He is the only one I want to be with. I want him to sit together with me and hold around me. That's where I want to be now.
But i'm not there. I'm in a classroom full of people. People who talk, laugh, look around them... I don't want to be here. I don't know why I feel so depressive, but I do. Maybe it's because i miss my awesome boyfriend? Well ... Maybe not, cause I was with him yesterday, and even though I love him more than everything else in the world, i can be away from him longer than 10 hours ... I've been a whole week without him, and i survived..

So I really don't know what it is.. But I hope it's over soon, cause I hate being like this. I just leave my friends and stay in a corner alone with the computer, bloggin, like now. And waiting... I'm waiting for my boyfriend to get on skype, then things will get soo much better. Just the sound of his voice makes me warm innside <3 It's like magic. Just wish I could see him too, and feel him holding around me <3

I don't need so much

When I sit in class and hear your voice when I talk with you over skype, it makes me smile. I wish i could see you too, but you don't got a cam.. Just wish you could get one so I can see you when I talk with you.
When it comes to you I don't need so much to get happy. It's enought just hear your voice or see your pretty smile. I don't know if you have realized it yet.. But maybe you will, after a while. Anyways i love you more than anythinh else <3

Suddenly my friend turn her back to me

I really don't like when a "friend" of me suddenly put out a picture of she and my boyfriend (my boyfriend is her ex) kissing.. And it's like ... Over a half year since they broke up. But she is jealous on me because i'm with him... (think she still loves him or anything like that).. But anyway, she post the picture of she and him kissing today with the text " I love you my boy <3 , Miss you </3" ... And i was like, wtf ? What's the point ? And when i asked her to remove the picture because i didn't like it and i think it was just stupid to publish that picture now, she just said " i don't need to remove it just beacuse you want it, it's my choise what i publish on facebook and not. You got no rights to complain about it" ...
And now a friend of her texted me and told me i should stop caring about what they did and all that stuff.. And they two and I was soo good friends before... Before my boyfriend got in the picture.. And i really don't know what tot do about it...

Drawing of my boyfriend. Made my me

Okay, i've always said that I really can't draw... But i've figured out. I actually can. If I try to draw something that's really pretty in real life. So, i figured out i should try to draw my boyfriend Chris. Beacuse i love looking at him cause his soooo pretty.

I wanted to show the drawing to him before i publish it on the internet. And i was thinking i should do it today, but then things changed so i'm not going to be with him today at all.. And then i figured out i could post it here, cause i know he read my blog.

First, the original picture:

I could watch him for hours cause i think he is so pretty, and i love him more than anything else in the world <3

And then, to my drawing:

Tada c: Think it's pretty awesome. It is easy to see it's him, right ?
I would love getting comments on it.

Hope my boyfriend will read my blog today and maybe text me and say what he think about it or something like that.

Just wish I could show him it in real life.

Always missing you

I'm used to see my boyfriend every day. He used to follow me to the bus and meet me when i came with the bus home. Now, i've moved to another placce. A place where he can't follow me to the bus or meet me when i come home with the bus. It feel so strange. I'm just so used to see him every day. And now it can be days between each time we see each other. I hate it. It makes me sad and makes me wanna cry.
But it's not going to help. It's not going to change anything even if I cry.

And of course, the days I can be with him, he can't be with me. The day today is one of those days. And I hate it.. I just want to be with him.. All the time. But the fact that I can't do that makes me depressed and crying.. But nothing can help me either.. I'm on my own..

I wish ...

I'm at work. It's lunsj so it dosen't matter tham i'm bloggin now. I just wanted to say, I miss my boyfriend soo much now.. It's like.. Well, I watch out of the window all the time, hope i'll see him come over here and visit me on work... But i think it's not ging to happen.. No matter how much i wish it..
But still, i wounder, is it possible he will come ? It could be possible, right ? If i hope enough.. And with it harder than anything else.. I wish ...

New blog, new start

Okay, the title on my blog don't matter that much. But I think it's awesome anyways.
For some reason i figured out I wanted a new blog. But this time I wanted it to be all english, even though i'm norwegian. I just like writing english and think everything I write look so much better on english.
I might going to loose some ppl who used to read my old blog cause of it. But i'll survive that.
I actually don't blog just so I can get lots of ppl reading what I write. I blog just cause I think it's fun and i love writing (call me strange, i don't care)..

So everything I write in this blog, is going to be on english. But comments can be in norwegian. I don't care bout that.

And in this blog, i'm going to write about what i think, things that happen in my life, things i love and other random stuff i find. Cause I love being random.

I'm also going to make a contact mail for this blog so my readers can mail me and ask me stuff or just ask me if i can write about something special. But that i'm going to do later.

Now i'm off to work ^^